“Two Men and a Fartmaster” by Vars

Two Guys And A Fartmaster

Three guys living in one house, 12 year old kid, his father and his uncle. The kids name is Jake and his father’s name is Joe and the kid’s uncle’s name is Teddy. Joe was married, and his marriage wasn’t really working out. They always had problems and then one day his wife threw him out of his own house. He had nowhere to go except to his brother Teds.

“Knock knock” Joe pounded on the door.

Teddy opened it and said, “bro, what are you doing here at three in the morning?”

“Well my wife threw me out of my own house and I had nowhere to go.”

“You could’ve gone to a hotel.”

“Teddy, you know that I am flat broke.”

“Ok I guess you can stay here for a couple days, I’ll go get some sheets for you.”

“No it’s ok, I brought sheets.”

“You brought your own sheets?”

“I like my sheets, “

“Ok I am going to sleep then.”

The next day Teddy woke up and saw the face of a hamster. He was kind of confused because there is a hamster in front of his face. When he looked in the background, it was Jake’s hamster, he was holding it.

“What are you doing here Jake?”

“My mom dropped me off here. Are my parents going to get a divorce?”

“I don’t know Jake; now go downstairs, I got to get my beauty sleep.”

Joe went to his house to talk to his wife. She didn’t want him and she wanted to get a divorce. A week later they went to court and turns out his wife’s lawyer was a really good and Joe lost everything. Joe had to pay alimony to his wife. The next day Joe went out with Teddy to buy a new car because his ex-wife got their car. Since Teddy was a rich guy he recommended the 80,000 dollar Mercedes like his. Teddy knew Joe didn’t have any money but he just liked rubbing it in his face because now Joe is living in Teddy’s house on Teddy’s foldout couch. Joe told him that he will be living there just for a couple weeks. But then a couple years later, Joe is still in Teddy’s house, still broke and still on the foldout couch. Jake lives with them but only on the weekends.

Jake is now 12 years old and ready for his first boy girl party. A girl from his class invited him and he got excited and told his dad. Ted was a ladies man so he was very excited for Jake to go to his first boy girl party so he took him shopping.

“When they were driving to the store Jake asked, “Can I get leather pants?”

“No, you need something that will get the farts out.”

“Ok,” replied Jake

Next they looked at some jackets and Jake picked out the most expensive one. It was nice too. They got him pants and shoes, even new underwear. After they bought all the clothes they went home and told Jake to put them on, they wanted to see how good he looked. He came up to them and ted said, turn around let’s see. He turned around and there was a price tag on his jacket.

“Jake, you have to take the price tags off.”

“But I thought letting people see how expensive the clothes, are cool.

“No, it’s not.”

They took him to the party, and then went to a burger place nearby. Next thing they know he is calling them,

“What’s going on Jake?” Answered his father.

“Can I talk to Teddy?”

“Yeah, sure.”


“How do I get Wendy to like me?”

“Who is Wendy?”

“Oh I forgot to tell you, Wendy is the girl that’s throwing the party.”

“Oh, well just go talk to her.”

“How do I start the conversation?”

“Tell her, thanks for inviting you and then just start from there.”

“Ok, thanks.”

A couple hours later Jake called them again and said that the party was over and they need to pick him up. They were shocked that it was over so fast but they picked him up anyways. On the way back home they were talking about how it went and all he said was,

“It was ok.”

“Oh I remember when I had my first boy girl party,” replied Joe.

“Wasn’t that in college?” Asked Teddy.

“Shut up,” replied Joe embarrassingly.

“I don’t care; all I am proud of is that my nephew already went to a boy girl party.”

Teddy has a house on the beach and he also has a housekeeper that is mean to Joe but Teddy doesn’t care about Joe. Teddy wants Joe to move out but both of them know that, that won’t happen so Joe is probably going to live with Teddy his whole life.  Joe is a really broke guy, like literally that guy has no money. He gives all his money to his ex-wife.

One time Jake asked his father, “Dad I need some money.”

“Join the club,” answered Joe.

“I need some stuff”

“Jake, I give your mother money every month for the exact purpose for buying you stuff.”

“Well I need new shoes.”

“I’m sorry Jake but money is a little tight around here.”

“Well, so are my shoes.”

“You’re going to have to talk to your mother about that.”


Joe is never lucky. He doesn’t have money and his car is breaking down already. On the other hand Teddy still likes his life. The other day he went out to Vegas and won 20 grand. But then he bet 30 grand on a football game and lost. He was actually down 10 grand. He doesn’t really care about that because he has money. He owns a company that works construction and he owns a logging company. He gets about 150 thousand dollars a month and he doesn’t do anything.

Teddy spends way too much money, usually he spends a lot without worry. One month, he spent so much that he lost track of how much he spent and one time he wanted to rent a motel room but the his credit card was declined. He asked her to try it again and it was declined again. He was shocked and couldn’t quite figure out why it wouldn’t work. So he took out his other card and rented the room. When he came back home he went online to check his bank account balance. When he looked, the numbers were $00.00.

“What is going on?” He asked himself

“You spent too much money,” answered Joe.

“That’s impossible, I couldn’t have.”

“Well remember you went to Vegas and spent over 50 grand.”

“Yeah I do but I should still have a lot left.”

“Well, minus the cell phone bills and the electric and house phone plus your car insurance, your house insurance. All that equals to 12 thousand dollars. Oh and that one time you lent me 10 thousand to pay off my car.”

“What, I don’t remember giving you that much money for your car. “

“Well I sort of took it without letting you know.”

“WHAT!!!! Ohhhh, I feel pain going up and down my arm. I mean HOW DARE YOU STEAL FROM ME!!!!”

“I didn’t steal, I just borrowed without telling you but I’ll give it back.”

“NO YOU WONT, ohhh I need to have a seat.”

“Teddy, teddy look at me, I think you’re having a heart attack. “

“No I’m fine.”

“Don’t worry I’ll call an ambulance.”

“Ok I am definitely having a heart attack; just take me to the hospital.”

They arrived at the hospital and the nurse puts them in the emergency room but there are no doctors that can help him. A few minutes later a doctor finally shows up and hooks up the computer onto him to know if he’s still living.

“Joe, if I don’t make it. You can have the house.”

“Don’t even say that, but thank you.”

“Just so you know you have to be paying 20 grand a month to live in that house.” Then Joe comes up to the doctor and says,

“If my brother doesn’t make it, I will take out my anger on you.”

The doctor got scared with that threat and started working hard. He also called a few nurses in to help him out. The machine was going beep beep beep. The doctor injected something in Ted so he would fall asleep, and they started operating.

“Beep beep beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

“Oh no the doctor yelled. Hurry, prepare the paddles. Ok, clear, zap. Anything?”

“No,” said the nurse.

“Ok let’s try it again, clear, zap. Beep beep beep.”

“Fyooh,” sighed Joe

“What happened?” Asked Teddy.

“We lost you for a minute there.”

“Oh, did they finish the operation.”

“No, not yet, listen to me. Whenever you go again, and you see the bright light, I want you to go as far away from it as possible.”

“Why do u tell me to do that?”

“Am I not able to just love my brother?”

“From the things I did to you, nope.”

“Ok whatever I can’t afford the houses by myself so please do that favor for me.”

“Ok fine, I’m still kind of young to die. I’m only 40 years old.”

“I’m your brother, I know how old you are, and your age is not 40.”

“Teddy confused and scared at the same time looks at Joe and asks, then what is my age?”

“You’re 45.”

“WHAT!!! “

“Teddy stay calm, or you’re going to get a heart attack.”

“Oh man, I have been enjoying my life so much that I forgot my age hahaha.”

“Ok Teddy I’m going to the lobby and they will finish the operation.” As Joe was sitting in the lobby he was thinking how life would be like without his brother. He didn’t like that idea very much so he stayed positive. Joe was tired and fell asleep on the chair without evening noticing. He woke up and looked at his watch.

Teddy should be out soon, he said to himself. The next thing he knows a nurse is rolling ted in on a wheelchair and teddy saying,

“Yay I made it.” When they got home, Teddy asked told Joe to put him to bed because he was tired.

“Alright agreed Joe.”

“Just don’t steal my money. I know how much I got in my wallet.”

“Ok fiiiine. Joe stands in the doorway.”

“You want something,” asked Teddy.

“Um, can I have 50 dollars; I want to go out today.”

“Take the credit card in my wallet and just leave me alone.”

“Can I have an expensive dinner?”

“It’s my credit card, go crazy.”

“Ok, expensive dinner it is.”

When Teddy got better, he started doing the things he used to do around the house, like sit on the couch and watch television all day. Being the owner of two huge companies, the only thing he has to do is write checks to his workers. He pays about 300 thousand dollars a month for owning two companies. He gets 150 himself. The worker that gets the highest in one of his companies earns 60 dollars an hour and the job for Ted is still really worth it. Ted is one of the guys that is very lucky and has a lot of money. He is a very hard worker and is very smart.

Teddy has an old neighbor and he doesn’t like her very much because she complains way too much. He started making jokes about her. He made a few and started reading them to Joe. Did you know her first Christmas, was the first Christmas. After Teddy read a few, Joe didn’t like them and left so Teddy just started coming up with even more jokes. Then he realized that coming up with those jokes was kind of mean and stopped.

Joe wanted to get to know his neighbor so he came over and asked her if she wanted to go out for lunch. She said yes and so they took off.

The next day Joe woke up and went to the kitchen. Teddy was sitting at the table and reading a newspaper. There were some flowers on the table.

“Who’re the flowers from?” Asked Joe.

“I’ll show you, he took a chair from the back and walked like an old person with a walker.”

“Stop doing that Teddy, I got to know her and she is a brilliant woman.”

“Yeah, but she complains a lot. If you do one thing that will get her mad she will be doing that to you too.”

“Ok whatever Teddy, I am not going to do anything that will upset her.” That same day he took her out for lunch again. After they ate, Joe was going to pay for dinner but he realized that he didn’t even have his wallet on him. So he told his date everything and she paid for dinner. Later that day he found out that she is rich. The inside of her house looks very expensive and this was the day that he seen the inside of the house. The house isn’t very big and she is the only one that lives there. When they entered the house she asked him if he wanted anything to drink and he said, I’ll have a coke please.

“Ok I’ll be right back.”

Joe got comfortable on the couch and waited for her. He checked out a few paintings on the wall that she had, they were very interesting. She came back with the drink and told him that he has been the only one that has been that nice to her in a really long time. They talked for a long time and got to know each other even better. Joe got kind of tired but he still stayed at her place because he thought she was a very interesting lady and he wanted to get to know her better.

“Well I guess I should be getting home, I mean it’s getting kind of late. “

“Yeah, see you next time.”

“Yes you will,” replied Joe. A couple hours later, the doorbell rings. Joe gets out of his bed and makes his way to the door. He opened it and two officers are standing outside.

“Um, can I help you officers,” asked Joe very confusingly.

“Were you close with your neighbor across the street?”

“Were close? I still am.”

“I’m afraid to tell you this but she was murdered today in her kitchen.”

“Wha, wha, wha what happened?”

“Somebody went through the window and stabbed her.”

“Do you guys have any leads yet?”

“No but the reason we came by is because of this.” And he showed Joe a piece of paper with the woman’s signature and saying that if anything ever happened to her she would want Joe to have all her money.

“What about her family?”

“She doesn’t have any, she’s the only one.”

“But how did she know that she was going to die today. “

“That’s what we’re trying to figure out. “

“Ok, tell me whenever you find out.” A couple hours later Joe was in his bed but he couldn’t fall asleep because he just couldn’t believe that she was dead so he got out of his bed got dressed and went over to his neighbors to see the body.  When he went over, the police didn’t let him go inside because they didn’t know who he was. One of the police officers that was at his house, let him inside to see the body. When they arrived at the crime scene  in the kitchen, Joe could see the body on the floor by the table.

Later in the evening they were finally getting some results. The found out that the lady was a psychic and she knew that she was going to be Joe’s good friend and she wrote that note a long time ago. She already had all her money in an account on his name. Joe was excited about having all that money because he was always broke in his entire life. But he was also sad because the person that gave him all this money is gone and he had no way of thanking her so after the police investigated the place and found out who the killer was and took off to look for him. Joe started thinking about the good times he had with that old woman and the police were off looking for the killer. A few minutes the police came and asked if he wanted to go with them to see who the killer was and Joe agreed because he wanted to know who would want to do that to that lady.

The police found a knife in a car that had human blood on it and looked up whose car that was and it turned out that this was the killer. They knocked on the door and he opened,

“Is your name Alex Moran?”

“Yes it is. Is there a problem officers? “

“Yes, you are under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights that I just read to you? With these rights in mind, do you wish to speak to me. “

“The suspect shook his head.”

“Okay, now get in the car, watch your head.” The police took him to the police station and put him into an interrogating room. Two detectives came in and started playing good cop, bad cop. One of the guys was mean and the other was calming him down and then the suspect said something that they didn’t expect.

“I know what you guys are trying to do.”

“What?” Asked one of the cops.

“You’re playing good cop bad cop and that is not going to work on me. I can just tell you what happened.”

“Okay, I’m listening.”

“Well, she made me poor and I got mad and just killed her. It seemed like the perfect solution but it doesn’t feel like that now because, well I’m going to jail.”

“Okay, thanks for your honesty, we’ll be right back.”

The two detectives left the room and came back five minutes later with more cops this time they took him to a jail cell for the night the next day he was going to court and of course he was guilty so he was taken away to prison. 30 years in jail, for good.

Joe put the money in his account and the first thing he did was buy himself a nice big house. Teddy was really happy that his brother moved out of his house. Teddy went back to living his awesome rich life and Joe got an upgrade on living. Finally Joe had more money than Teddy, he had a bigger, more expensive house and then Teddy stopped acting lazy and the two brothers started competing against each other. Who can make more money in one month? Of course Joe bought a few companies and built a few and started with that competition. The more companies they bought, the richer they got. They started calling this “The Competition” because a few of their friends joined in. By the end of the first year each person had over 12 companies. They competed their whole lives and when they died the money and everything was inherited to their kids and they got along with all the competitors so they competed against each other too. They were all best friends because they ever shared money.

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